Puck Wants To Get Into Kurt's Pants
by Chibi Pyralspite
Summary: This is exactly what it seems


_N: I could say this was a sequel...I'm not sure what it is..._

_**Puck Wants To Get Into Kurt's Pants**_

The Date.

That was what Puck had deemed this endeavor into the park which would (hopefully) lead to sexual intercourse. The biggest obstacle: Kurt Hummel, a.k.a. the guy with whom Puck wants to have sex.

He was such a prude even though Puck had graciously allowed Kurt to go out with him (secretly), and Puck had even alluded to that fact to all of Glee Club (then threatened them all with physical harm if word got around about it). Puck was like some sparkling, hot, gay prince and Kurt was obviously the girly male princess that the prince had to rescue from distress…and then make love to him. The prince had already saved his princess, so where the fuck was all the fucking fucking? It didn't exist because, as stated earlier, Kurt Hummel is a prude who refuses to have sex without a date.

And that was why Noah Puckerman, the fucking rainbow prince was setting up a picnic for his cockblock princess in the middle of a park. (Kurt had better appreciate this. Puck didn't go on dates with most girls, let alone gay boys.)

That's not to say Puck didn't put any thought into this date. He wouldn't lie and say that he didn't care about sex as long as he pleased Kurt, (any man who says bullshit like that is totally desperate for a lay) but he did actually care unlike his previous fucks.

The tablecloth Puck picked out was a vibrant purple. Like Kurt's personality, it was somewhat headache-inducing. It was decorated with girly things like hearts and flowers which Puck knew girls liked so effeminate gay boys must like them, as well. The picnic basket had only one hole at the top as opposed to the other sad excuses for baskets that had been in Puck's closet, and it was full of one apple, one pear, meats, bread, and "juice" which was most definitely a euphemism for fruity daiquiris (which girls like so Kurt should like them, too). Puck himself looked exactly the same as always: plain grey T-shirt, leather jacket, jeans, and sneakers. In his own opinion, Puck looked damn sexy.

"A scruffy picnic from a scruffy boyfriend in the middle of winter."

But apparently Kurt did not concur.

"This tablecloth looks like a bad LSD trip."

_Calm yourself_, Puckerman. No one wants a dead Kurt in the middle of a park, especially you (or his father), Puck thought.

"What's wrong with this basket? There's a hole in it."  
_  
Just think of the sex, Puckerman, and no one will die._

"Ugh. Couldn't you have brought a salad?"

This complaining was causing Puck to have murderous thoughts, and if Kurt said one more thing about how bad this date was-

"And your clothes," Kurt made _that_ face, "Are terrible."

Puck was about to speak his mind or punch Kurt in the face when the boy's face softened and he laughed.

"But it suits you. This whole picnic attempt is so you." He smiled and pulled the lone apple out of the basket. "Is this a joke?"

"Uh…"

"Are you planning on shrinking me, Puck?"

"Oh, um…" Puck ran his fingers through his non-existent Mohawk (and he cringed at the memory of it being cut off by Kurt. That had been the worst day of his life.) and said, "Sorry, I didn't think-"

"No, you don't usually, but that's okay." Then he took a bite of the apple, chewed for a moment, swallowed, dropped the apple, and fell back unconscious.

For a moment, Puck thought Kurt was messing with him, but Kurt wasn't the kind of person to joke around like that, so Puck moved over to Kurt, shaking him. He wouldn't wake, so Puck picked him up and brought him to Puck's truck.

On the way back to his house, Puck contemplated going to the hospital, but that idea was quickly squelched because the explanation that Kurt had eaten a magical apple and become sleeping beauty would surely land Puck in the psych ward. There was Burt. He was a big guy, and also Kurt's father, so maybe he could help them. Then again, Burt didn't even know Puck and Kurt were dating, let alone that Kurt had a magical apple curse. So that left only one option, and this was one option that would probably end up with Puck dead in a dumpster, but she was the only other person who knew about Kurt's problem. Puck only hoped that Mercedes would wait to kill him until after they cured Kurt.

* * *

Considering that Mercedes' dad was a dentist, Puck should have realized that her house would be overly extravagant. The front porch alone was probably half the size of his house, and the size of the house itself simply made Puck want to cry in envy.

It was with this envy and a considerable amount of trepidation that Puck carried Kurt to Mercedes' front door and kicked it rather than knocking. Understandably, Mercedes already looked furious after having someone kick her door, and she became much angrier upon seeing Puck holding Kurt in his state of unconsciousness.

"What the hell did you do?"

"I gave him an apple."

She took a moment to glare at him and shake her head disapprovingly before moving aside and pulling him in. She led Puck into her room (which was also very extravagantly _Mercedes_) and motioned for Puck to lay Kurt on her bed, which he did.

Mercedes pulled out a chair for Puck (surprisingly) and he graciously accepted it as she took her own seat.

"So did you take an apple from some random guy or Finn?"

"I just got it from my house."

"And where did it come from before that?"

Puck looked confused. "Um…the grocery store."

"So let me get this straight," Mercedes said, her façade of calm cracking. "You thought it was a good idea to give Kurt an apple of suspicious origin after the Big Shrinking Fiasco."

"Sorry," Puck mumbled, ashamed.

"Well, sorry isn't gonna cut it for Kurt, is it?"

Puck rolled his eyes. "It wore off last time. It should do it again, right?"

They both looked to Kurt, who was definitely not stirring in any way, and Puck had to admit that he was worried. Last time, when Kurt was little, at least Puck could talk to him. Now, there was no way of knowing if Kurt was really okay.

Mercedes interrupted his thoughts with: "Do you think we should take him to a hospital?" At Puck's questioning look, she added, "What if this isn't from the apple? What if there's something medically wrong with him?"

Puck took a moment to decide that he was an idiot for not thinking of that before overreacting and assuming that magic was the answer to everything before replying, "We could always find the magician guy you told me you beat up."

"I didn't beat him up," (she looked proud, however) "I simply threatened him."

Again, Puck rolled his eyes. "Could you bring us to him?"

"I don't know where he lives. For all I know, he could be in California."

At Puck's distressed, depressed face, Mercedes found herself feelings bad for the badass, so she offered this; "I'll look for him, though. I'll go to the park. That's where Kurt and I saw him." She got up, put her coat on and said, "I'll be back soon, so keep Kurt safe while I'm gone."

As Mercedes walked out of the room, Puck reflected that he was doing a bang-up job of that. He glanced at Kurt and imagined what they would be doing right now if Puck hadn't been so brainless as to bring an apple to his date with Kurt even though he knew about The Apple Incident. They could have had a nice lunch, and then gone back to Puck's house to watch a movie. (Once, when Puck was imagining having sex with him instead of listening to him, Puck heard Kurt mention something about Bambi. They could've watched that.) But they weren't doing that because of the stupid apple. Surely, Puck couldn't trust himself to take care of Kurt…so why was Mercedes so willing to do so?

* * *

Mercedes had gone to the park merely to appease Puck for two reasons. One, Puck seemed like he was about to start crying, and that was something Mercedes never wanted to see because it was obviously a sign of the apocalypse (but if Puck did cry, it wouldn't be very surprising because the world's supposed to end in 2012 anyway). Two, Mercedes knew that Puck needed to be with Kurt alone. He was having some serious commitment issues, but if he hadn't already run for the hills, he had to harbor stronger feeling toward Kurt than he had ever felt toward one of the girls he had dated. (And, contrary to popular belief, Mercedes is totally willing to give Puck a chance. She has to be hard on him, though, because she's like Kurt's protective older sister. Besides, it's Puck.)

However, even though Mercedes had agreed to go to the park, she never expected to actually find the magician. Yet, there he was, clad in short-shorts, a band T-shirt, and mismatched dress shoes with mismatched socks. The boy must have been taking something when he decided that that outfit was a good idea on such a cold day (sure, it was warm for winter, but it was still winter) or at all. It made Mercedes' eyes bleed.

But his lack of fashion sense was not the problem right then, so Mercedes promptly grabbed the magician by the ear and started the walk back to her house.

* * *

When Mercedes came back with a man connected to her hand, Puck did a double take. Not only did he look utterly ridiculous but he was also somewhat handsome. He seemed like the kind of guy Puck would be if wasn't a badass, and that's what made Puck hope that Kurt would not wake up while the new guy was there. Puck didn't want to deal with any competition.

"This is the guy," Mercedes explained, pushing the odd guy onto another chair.

Puck almost asked what guy she was talking about, but he managed not to make a fool of himself. Instead, he just said, "Oh."

Mercedes sat next to Kurt on the bed, waiting. She looked to Puck meaningfully as if Puck was supposed to do something. She sighed when he just sat there dumbly, and said, "Interrogate him or something. Wasn't that the purpose of sending me out in the cold?"

"Oh, yeah," _(Way to be useless, Puck,_ he thought to himself). He addressed the odd guy, "How do we wake up Kurt?"

"Ya gave 'im an apple?" The magician looked like he wanted to laugh at Puck's stupidity.

"Yes, and because of your spell or curse or whatever, he won't wake up," he said through gritted teeth. "So how do we wake him up?"

"I dunno."

"What?" Mercedes and Puck yelled in unison.

"Boy, you better find out if you want to live!" Mercedes warned.

"How don't you know?" Puck yelled.

"I'm not really a magician or anything. I just dabble in everything. I was bored and the kid was cute, so I figured I would be 'is knight in shining armor or somethin' after 'e ate the apple an' 'e would reward me with sex."

"Are you insinuating that Kurt is easy?" Puck asked dangerously.

"No, uh…" Looking for a way to change the subject, he said, "Ya know, I read somewhere that clichéd stuff from fairytales actually works. If he's, like, kissed by 'is true love or whatever, he may wake up." Puck lit up. Certainly, he was Kurt's true love. "But that's easier said than done. I mean, most people don't ever meet their true love in this lifetime. There's, like, a shitload 'a people livin' on this planet, ya know."

And Puck was just as quickly shut down. Kurt had standards. How could Puck possibly be his true love?

While Puck was brooding and Mercedes thinking, the magician was uncomfortably shifting in his seat.

"Can I leave now?" He asked.

The other two glared at him, and he took that as a yes, stumbling to the door without another word.

Mercedes and Puck glanced at each other then, both contemplating the same thing. Should Puck try the magical kiss? What if he wasn't Kurt's true love and it didn't work? Or what if it didn't work because the magician was wrong?

But what if it did work?

This question weighing on both their minds, Puck looked to Mercedes, silently asking for her approval. She nodded, and he slowly descended on Kurt's lips, imagining that it must look like some gay version of sleeping beauty to Mercedes (or a straight version. Kurt does look like a girl, after all).

Puck hadn't even closed his eyes, wanting to see Kurt open his own, but he didn't. So, Puck removed his lips and sat back on the bed, getting ready to brood. Then Mercedes gasped and someone shot up into Puck's back with a yell. Puck turned around quickly and saw that Kurt was gloomily rubbing his head and surveying the room.

"What happened?" Kurt asked, looking to Noah.

"You fainted and were awoken with a kiss from your true love!" Noah exclaimed, puckering his lips and opening his arms for a hug.

"Oh," Kurt said, a mischievous smile finding its way to his lips, "So who was it?"

Noah pouted at the jest and Mercedes laughed. Kurt must be the most ungrateful, prudish damn boyfriend Noah had ever had (not that he'd ever had another boyfriend, but he'd had lots of girlfriends and one-night-stands). He probably wouldn't even agree to have sex with Noah even though Noah had just saved his damn life. He'd make some excuse about how they technically hadn't finished their date and that it was all Noah's fault because he was the one who brought the apple, after all, and…ah, well. Noah considered that you really can't fight true love even if it is with the cutest cockblock princess known to gay men.

* * *

Later in the day, while Kurt and Noah were talking about _Army of Darkness_, they somehow stumbled upon the topic of food allergies, and Kurt just had to know, "So, am I allergic to apples now?"

"Well, you certainly can't ever eat one ever again," Noah warned.

Kurt smirked. "Well, if I ever do, I have my very own true love to save me." He pecked Noah on the lips earning a small smile from his lover.

They shared a moment where nothing was said but everything understood, then Noah started feeling too smart, so he said, "Wanna make out?"

Kurt considered it for a moment, then, "Sure."

And it was so that that night, Noah had his first ever case of blue balls while his princess slept peacefully next to him, apparently content with just kissing. Noah figured he would have to get used to it, though, considering how virtuous princesses are supposed to be. He might not get any for another whole week, but it was the price to pay for true love (besides, no one can resist the Puckasaurus for long).


End file.
